Let’s start with the big picture. How many mass movements hate on the counter-narrative? How many leaders take potshots at each other to capture their voterbase? How many activists actually spend time discussing the merits of their plan rather than demerits of the “other” plan? I rest my case.
Now let’s turn to smaller things. How many of us respond with revenge when we’re hurt? How many of us show kindness even when others have been mean to us? How many people think about their behavior without bringing in a payback angle? I’ll stop here for the purpose of this introduction.
To me, it’s quite clear that this deep-rooted tit-for-tat behavior is 80% of the problem in all major arenas where peace is an issue.
Religious conflict
You can find religious conflict pretty much anywhere in the world. All of them are so focused on tearing down the “other” religion, instead of building up the strengths of their own religion. If Hindus spent less time criticizing Islamic radicalism and more time promoting Yoga, Muslims would like them better. Similarly, if Muslims spent less time lamenting discrimination at the hands of Hindus and more time promoting the peaceful message of the Quran, Hindus would like them better.
Men vs women
Once again, both of these groups spend way too much time drawing attention to hypocrisy. Men’s rights groups are likely to give their point of view only if they catch a woman being unfair. Tit-for-tat. Great. Feminists are better in this regard. Many of them offer a woman’s point of view without selectively looking for men who accuse women of being unfair. However, there are some feminists who don’t do this and, instead, engage in tit-for-tat blame games.
Why this tit-for-tat behavior?
At the grassroots level, the reason is unemployment and illiteracy. They say an idle mind is a devil’s workshop, and the devil loves payback. Give people jobs and education, and you give them goals and better things to do than play tit-for-tat games. You give them fewer avenues for frustration. You also give them confidence to form their own opinions instead of agreeing with everybody else’s tit-for-tat opinions.
The effect of tit-for-tat behavior on mental health
I used to be a tit-for-tat responder. It got to the point where sometimes, I wondered why I tried to have a good time. Was it because it’s not humanly possible to wallow in intense misery for too long, without at least trying to cheer yourself up? Maybe.
There were almost moments when I actually thought things were getting better. But then when those reminders hit, and I realized just how much I did not have. I hit rock bottom so hard and so fast. I can’t even say that it was just a momentary response because when I sit down and have a good think, I learn that even when I was having fun, I was not having a good time. There was not a second that went by without some part of my being telling me how barren I was. In all of that, I genuinely loved to show people fun TV shows. It was my way of telling them that I’d be that much fun if it wasn’t for the damage.
That’s the effect of tit-for-tat behavior. Damage that won’t let go even when you’re trying to have a good time, leaving only TV shows to show the less hateful and fun side of you.
Thank you for reading.